Video Game Follies
by Karasuhato the Raven-Dove
Summary: Veray first Englrish fanfic of mine, spoofing Video Games I loath or characters I can not stand. *Take it easy on me please, ENGRLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE! *
1. Truth about most of the FF heroines (7-2...

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Video Game follies:

Truth about most of the FF heroines

By Karasuhato, the "Raven Dove"

(karasuhato@ecmail.i-p.com)

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All games copyright of previous owners. Don't take Serously!

NOTE: My Engrlish is not the greatest, so please take it easy ;_;

***

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Narator: Over in Square Japan, producer Hironobu Sakaguchi and director Yoshinori Kitase are collaborating on making their endless FF sereis and spinoffs, One after another! 

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Hironobu Sakaguchi: Wow, let's get some staff and come up with yet another game!

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Yoshinori Kitase: How about Keita Amemiya?

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*Sakaguchi looked shocked and apauled*

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Hironobu Sakaguchi: Are you insane Kitase-chan! _*Kitase looks a little bemused*_ Listen, Amemiya is too talented with plots and characters and we are not releasing the travesty called "Rudra no Hihou" outside of Asia! We threw him and his CROWD inc. cronies out of here for good reason.

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Yoshinori Kitase: Oh damn! _*thinks of another plan*_ Oh oh, I know, I know! 

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Hironobu Sakaguchi: _*rolling his eyes*_ What now? *_sigh*_

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Yoshinori Kitase: Let's make a game aimed for boy and girl teeny-boppers with no lives! Since Brittney Spears, Spice Girls, Lil' Kim, J-LO and Christina Aguilara are popular with girls, we could based the heroines off them, while N*SYNC, O-Town, and LFO are popular teeny-bopping boys, we could base the male characters off of them. How is that?

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*Sakaguchi jumps up and down with a big grin on his face*

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Hironobu Sakaguchi: YES! LET'S GO WITH IT MAN! Now let's see.....Hmmmmmm......._*scratch head and eyes staff*_ Now, what will be our plot?

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Story writter-Chan: We don't need a strong plot. We could just re-hash some Hollywood sci-fi / fantasy/ horror movie stories and coming of age teeny boppin' dramas, plus a little dash of MTV, we will make it big!

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Hironobu Sakaguchi: SOUNDS GREAT!

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Yoshinori Kitase: Hey, we could use Tetsuya Nomura's artwork over and over again. He is the best! How is that?

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Tetsuya Nomura: I am great with that.

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*Kitase appraoches Nomura and observes his character designs*

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Tetsuya Nomura: Here you go Kitase-san. _*shows him artwork of teeny boppin boy and girl heroes and heroines, cutsy rejects from "The Muppet Show" and "Fraggel Rock" and your typical villain whom you wish would win.* _How do you like it!

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*round of applaud from the whole room*

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Yoshinori Kitase: WONDERFUL!

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Hironobu Sakaguchi: Now we are going to make money! HA HA HA HA HA!!!

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*looks at everyone* 

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EXT. THE STRANGE WORLD MADE BY SAKAGUCHI, KITASE, NOMURA AND SOME JAPANISE EXAM SCHOOL FLUNKIES! 

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Narrator: Tifa Lockhart, Aerith Gainsborogh, Yufi Kisaragi, Selphie, Rinoa, Quitis, Garnet, Lulu and Rikku were all standing on a seddy street corner full of neon lights, litter, smog and many cars and trafic going by. They all wore skanky clothing and had a look of lust on their face, thinking of boys.

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Tifa: Oh baby baby, I want Cloud! _* Aerith and Yufi look rather pissed*_

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Aerith: No ya don't bitch! Cloud mine! _*Yufi kicks Aerith's ass*_

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Yufi: No no, Cloud is mine! He is my slave!

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Tifa: *_chuckles*_ Ooooooh, what kinda slave? 

*Yufi bitch slaps Tifa*

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Yufi: None of your business bitch! Now, start raising your prices, now!

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*Rinoa separates the girls*

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Rinoa: Cloud blows, he such she-male! Squall is hot baby!

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Yufi: No no! He is not!

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*Quitis looks angry*

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Quitis: Hey, Squall is mine! _*starts to stranggle Rinoa with her whip*_

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Selphie: NAW! Irvine is mine! Irvine can kick Cloud and Squall's ass!

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Garnet: Are you kidding? Zidane is my man! He could whip any of those boy's asses! *LOL* 

*_Aerith, Tifa, Yufi, Rinoa, Quitis and Selphie all gang up on her*_

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Quitis: What do you mean by that, midget girl? 

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*Garnet kicks Quitis*

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Garnet: I am not a midget, I just have a short build. _*face is bright red and gets out a racquet*_

*A trampy looking black mage and a skanky theif come out and grab Garnet*

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Lulu: Don't blow artery Midget!

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Rikku: None of the guys of our age would go for me, only 50 year olds named Aurron, YUCK!

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*Everyone looks at Rikku in disgust*

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All the FF girls: WHAT A "LONG ISLAND LOLITA" YOU ARE RIKKU! GROSS!

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Rikku: Am NOT! Just trying to make some money! I got more Gil than you!

*All the girls look at the money and started to drool*

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Yufi: Wow, that is like, 50,000 GIL! _*pulls out her Gil stash*_ But, HA HA, I have 55,000 GIL!

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*Tifa shows her Gil*

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Tifa: Yeah girls? I have 150,000 Gil! I have my own Hentai sites and all the boys want me more than any of you!

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Aerith: Boys want me too._ *has a wicked grin on her face* _I may look innocent, but I'm not, I only pretend to be innocent! In fact, in one day, I made 5,000 Gil with Cloud and 10,000 with Zack in one night! How do you like them apples?

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*All the girls look mad and want to kick Aerith's ass hard*

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Lulu: Yeah, Aerith? Look at those gross warty things below your legs! That is disgusting!

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*Aerith notices and blushes*

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Aerith: Heh heh! *_slowly sneaks away, giggling nervously down the street as she starts to flee the scene*_

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Rinoa: I KNEW IT I KNEW IT! Aerith is gross!

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Garnet: You ain't so special either!

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Quitis: _*wraps her arms around Garnet and Rinoa*_ Come on girls, jealousy is not a part of us, as long as we have Gil galore!

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All of the FF girls: What is with this "Jealousy" stuff?

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Yufi: _*eyes Sephie*_ You are bad, you deserve to die bitch! *_starts to bitch slap Sephie. Selphie is dumb and stands there*_

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Selphie: I may die, but I don't care! As long as I have men in life! _*starts to laugh like a Hyena on helium*_

*The girls all circle each other like buzards and eye each other in anger*

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Garnet: You girls are all INSANE! INSANE!

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*All the girls gang up and start to fight violently. Sephie starts to violently hit Yufi with nunchakus, Tifa pummels Quitis, who is whipping her ass hard, Rikku beats up Garnet by stealing Garnet's racquet and spanking her, Rinoa is getting beat up by Lulu and her Mogli dolls. Aerith is the only one not in the scene, since she was reminded of her secret shame on the streets* 

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Rikku: _*grabbing Garnet's arm*_ Say "Uncle" dammit!

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*Garnet starts to summon some sort of strange being*

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Garnet: Help me great Aeons, HELP!

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*Bahamut looks bored and comes into the scene*

Bahamut: Okey, what do you want summoner?

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Garnet: _*getting arm twisted by Rikku*_Please help me, this bitch is twisting my arm!

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Bahamut: _*rolls his eyes*_ Oh man, okey. Be gone!

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*A blast of laser fire comes and burns Rikku to ashes. As Bahamut dissapears and the girls still fighting, a pimp mobile comes into the scene. Suprise suprise, Aerith and some pimps and madams come out of the mobile and look shocked.*

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Aerith: Women are fighting AGAIN? How mature....._ *starts to blush*_

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Corneo (Head Pimp): STOP FIGHTING GIRLS! WE HAD ENOUGH! _*starts to separate the girls from each other*_

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Edea (Head Madame): What is the meaning of this?

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Lulu: Tifa started it!

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Tifa: I DID NOT! RINOA DID!

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Rinoa: _*gives nasty look to Tifa*_ No way! Ummmmm.....Yufi started it. I would blame Rikku, but she ashes.

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Yufi: SHUT UP!

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*All the pimps and madames look ashamed*

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Edgar (from FF6, now working his dream job as a pimp): Look girls, I don't care who started it, we want it to stop!

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Steiner (Garnet's bodyguard and pimp): Come on girls, in the car, we'll teach ya all a good lesson!

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All of the FF girls (except late Rikku): *sighs* Okey Dokey........-_-

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Narator: All of the girls hop into the car and head back to the Bordello to make more of their "Hard Earned cash/Gil". Back in the real world, in Japan, the Squaresoft crew plan to make a great big epic out of this story.

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Hironobu Sakaguchi: _*snickers* _Good, good, but we need to make this cool story into an epic adventure for this hot chicks!

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Story writter-Chan: Okey, that shall do. I make an epic out of this beautiful story! Keita Amemiya, eat your heart out and get out! We have a great plot coming to video game consoles near you!

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*Suddenly, the rejoicing by everyone at Sqauresoft gets cut short by a huge army tank causing great explosions, causing mass destruction of Squaresoft*

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Yoshinori Kitase: _*looks stunned in horror*_ What happening!?

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Tetsuya Nomura: It's horrible!

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Hironobu Sakaguchi: Someone is after us, possibley for revenge!

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Everyone at Squaresoft: AAAAAAAACK! HELP!!!

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*The Army tank blows up everything and causes mass destruction out of Squaresoft, leaving it in complete rubble. Out of the army tank, came none other than Keita Amemiya, accompanied by Scion, Surlent, Riza and Dune of "Rudra no Hihou" fame*

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Keita Amemiya: HA HA! Revenge is so sweet! _*Amemiya and the Rudra no Hihou gang come out and witness the destruction*_

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Scion: This is what they all get for not making a sequel out of our game!

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Surlent: Or letting our master and his company be employed!

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*Riza searches through scripts and is appauled*

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Riza: Oh dear gods! These people cannot write worth shit! Have they flunked kindergarden or something?

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Dune: I dunno, but it won't suprise me! Even a retarded 2 year old can write better plots!

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Riza: _*looks at Aerith, Rinoa and Garnet*_ Who the hell are these girls trying to be? Yeuch! They need armor, they need to be more.....HUMAN!

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Scion: _*observes the pics* _ Ewwwww, no kidding! Look at Tifa, all breasts and no female!

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Surlent: Hey, Amemiya, now we shall become powerful, right?

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Keita Amemiya: Oh yeh! _*grins*_ Now with losers gone, we could bring quality to world.

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All the Rudra heroes: HOORAY! UP WITH QUALITY!

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Surlent: Some on everyone, let's make some games!

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Keita Amemiya: All right!

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Narator: Amemiya and the cast of Rudra walk away from Squaresoft's rubble and off into the sunset, with huge grins on their faces.

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The End!

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	2. Battle of the Skanky Heroines (7-22-2002...

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Video Game follies:

Battle of the Skanky Heroines

By Karasuhato, the "Raven Dove"

(karasuhato@ecmail.i-p.com)

***

All games copyright of previous owners. Don't take Serously!

NOTE: My Engrlish is not the greatest, so please take it easy ;_;

***

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Narator: We all appear at a beach, with Lara Croft, Red Lotus from "Deathtrap Dungeon" and Mikki from Victor's "Pandemonuim" sereis gather around together like the "Charlie's Angels", giggling and looking hot.

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Lara Croft: Hullo everybody, I am Lara Croft! Every horny single man's wet dream!

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Mikki: No way! All boys want me. I am hot babies.

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Red Lotus: *_starts to laugh hysterically*_ Don't make me laugh Mikki! You look like young Peggie Bundy of "Married with Children"! I'm the hottest yet, so shut up gals!

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Mikki: _*grimaces* _Wanna bet?

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Lara Croft: _*gets in a fighting stance*_ Okay, let fight it out!

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*They perform various GRATUITOUS STUNTS, and they BREATH HEAVY, MOAN, PULL HAIR, SHOOT and STABB each other, LAUGH, and CAST SPELLS while the CAMERA does tight close-up CROTCH SHOTS. *

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Lara Croft: Whore!

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Mikki: _*Red Lotus pulling her hair* _WATCH THE HAIR! OW OW OW!!!

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Red Lotus: No way skank!

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Mikki: Well you are a bitch!

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Lara Croft: No, you are!

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Red Lotus: No you are!

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Mikki: NO, YOU ARE!!!

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*As the girls kept on bitch fighting, a strange yellow UFO with a green visor comes down and crashes on the girls, causing one bloody mess. A woman in mechanical armor comes out and stretches for a bit.*

Armored woman: _*thinking to herself*_ Ah, finally, a great place to land! _*looks at everyone in the crowd and removes her helmet, revealing a woman with yellow-green hair* _Oh, hi everyone! I am Samus Aran, the greatest bounty hunter in all of the universe and now, on Earth!

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Crowd member: *_observes a gory mess*_ Ewwwww, what is that mess?

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*Samus Aran slightly lifts up her space ship and notices Mikki, Red Lotus and Lara Croft being crushed into a gory mess*

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Samus Aran: Ewwwwww, sick! A bunch of silicone hoochies! 

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Horny crowd member: She crushed Lara Croft! She gives me orgasms every night!

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Drunk bum: Yeah, and Mikki and Lotus and da gang! Oh no!

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*Samus looks slightly disgruntled*

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Samus Aran: Oh yeah!? You think I'm not hot enough, huh? We'll see about this. *_All of Samus' armor comes off, revealing her slender, sexy, and if slightely muscular body in a black two-piece leotard* _ See guys!

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*All boys start to salivate*

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All the boys in the crowd: Yeah, Samus is da babe!

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Drunk bum: Whoah, she look hotter than any of them!

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Girl Gamers: Yeah, you go girl!

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Samus Aran: _*thinking to herself in glee* _ Now THIS is more like it!

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*Every gamer starts to lift Samus into the air and started to rejoice*

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Crowd: HIP HIP HOORAY! SAMUS IS OUR GAL! HIP HIP HOORAY! SAMUS IS OUR GAL! HIP HIP HOORAY!

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Samus Aran: _*thinking to herself * _ Now this is REALLY what I want it to be!

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Crowd: HIP HIP HOORAY! SAMUS IS OUR GAL! HIP HIP HOORAY! SAMUS IS OUR GAL! HIP HIP HOORAY!

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The End!


	3. Sitting through Xenogears (7-22-2002)

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Video Game follies:

Sitting through Xenogears

By Karasuhato, the "Raven Dove"

(karasuhato@ecmail.i-p.com)

***

All games copyright of previous owners. Don't take Serously!

NOTE: My Engrlish is not the greatest, so please take it easy ;_;

***

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Narator: We are now at some nerdy boy named Eason's house in Hong Kong. He is forcing his cousins Zack, Paula and Shey-Ra and brother Lio to sit down and play a new "game" he has bought.

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Cousin Eason: Hey everyone! Look at the wicked cool game I bought yesterday! _*flashes a game with the Japanise writing saying "Zenogirusu" or to westerners, Xenogears*_

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Paula: Eason, this better be good!

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Lio: Even if the story is not so great, gameplay could be fun.

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Shey-Ra: _*sighs*_ I just don't know. I could only pray.

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*Zack looks at everyone and puts his hands on his hips*

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Zack: Give the game a chance guys, it might be good.

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Paula, Lio, Shey-Ra: Okey........o_0

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Cousin Eason: _*huge grin on his face*_ HA HA, now that is more like it ^_^

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*Paula, Lio and Shey-Ra look at each other with some discomfort*

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Shey-Ra: _*thinks to herself*_ I don't like sound of that!

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*Eason inserts the CD in to the Playstation and gets ready to "play" the game, Xenogears.*

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Lio: This better be worth it brother!

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*When it finally gotten to intro of the "game", The story begins with the main character, Fei, in the town of Rahan. After about an hour of mind-numbing talking, some Gears (Gears being big robots, one of the only cool things in this entire game) come and trash the town. Wow. Fei gets in a Gear and kicks some ass though. The story is basically a mindless jumble after that, not really even existing for awhile. The story literally seems to disappear*

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Cousin Eason: Isn't it great guys?! What a lovely plot! _*starts to wipe a few tears from his eyes*_

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Paula: _*tries hard to hold laughter* _Yeah, heh, what a "great plot".

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Shey-Ra: _*looks sleepy*_ The hell is going on here?

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Lio: I don't know Shey-Ra, I am as confuesed as you are!

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Cousin Eason: It's some classic material going on here!

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*After many, many, many hours of dull, slow gameplay that seemed almost non-existant and one cut scene after another, everyone except Eason starts to get bored out of their minds*

**Paula:** _*starts to sob*_ Oh god, they have been preaching about this fake "Sunday Funday" cult here for four hours!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!

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Zack: _*whispers in Paula's ear*_ Don't worry sister, I am with you too. Luckily, my daughter is taking her daily nap, so she does not have to be tortured with this crap!

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Shey-Ra: So what, most RPGs have religious overtones Eason, it's nothing new. Ya know what, if "Xenogears" were all a movie, it would be "Manos: The Hands of Fate"!

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Cousin Eason: _*starts scoffing* _Yeah right guys, this game is da bomb!

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*As Eason continues to torture all with the so-called "Video Game", Xenogears suddenly freezes up and the screen goes black*

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Cousin Eason: *_feels dismayed* _ Well, at least I saved before it blacked out. 

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Lio: I even think your Playstation hates this "game" of yours.

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Cousin Eason: Nonsense brother, we were going to miss the greatest scene ever! Having to do with more on Elly and Fei, the greatest video game couple ever!

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Paula: _*uses sarcasm*_ Yeah Eason, we would all hate to miss out on that!

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*Everybody starts to leave Eason's room after many hours of boredom*

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Shey-Ra: YAAAAAAAY! FREEDOM!

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*Aunt Liang and Uncle Cho-san come up to Zack, Paula, Shey-Ra and Lio and has the look on their face that they might have some bad news to deliver*

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Uncle Cho-San: We have bad news. Paula, Shey-Ra, I think your parents' van engine broke down and they need a Tow truck to help them, so it might take them a while to get home.

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Paula, Shey-Ra: Oh dear....._*sigh in unison*_

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Aunt Liang: Zack, your wife told me that one of her dance students sprained her ankle and is in need of some desperate help from some ambulance, so it will take your missus a while to get home.

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Zack: _*sighs*_ Oh dear, I just hope her student will be okey and get well soon. That is horrible.

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*Cousin Eason comes bursting into the room with his "Xenogears game", having big grin on his face*

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Cousin Eason: Hey everybody, guess what, I FIXED XENOGEARS! IT'S TIME TO PLAY MORE OF THIS WONDERFUL GAME!

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Zack: _*looking horrified* _ EVERYONE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

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Paula, Lio, Shey-Ra: AAAAAACK! It's the boring game of doom! HEEEEELP!

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Cousin Eason: Well, I don't know, I thought it was great, mabye Zack's tot daughter, Iria would love to watch me play.

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Iria: _*looks at him with disgust and starts to think the same as everybody else*_ Oh no you don't! I want nappies, good night!

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The End

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Notes: This was based loosely on a true story on how boring so-called "games" like Xenogears could be. All the characters were real and if you see them elsewhere outside Asia, it is pure dumb luck!

Remember kids, if you are fans of "Xenogears", please don't flame me, I respect opinions of all, just don't rub it in my face like a certain cousin of mine. 


	4. Super Mario BM (7-22-2002)

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Video Game follies:

Super Mario BM

By Karasuhato, the "Raven Dove"

(karasuhato@ecmail.i-p.com)

***

All games copyright of previous owners. Don't take Serously!

NOTE: My Engrlish is not the greatest, so please take it easy ;_;

***

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*We all see Princess Peach walking alone through the Mushroom Kingdom mertropolitain all by herself with no care in the world*

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Princess Peach: Tra-la-la-la-la-la......I am the happiest Princess in the world, la-la-la-la-la.........

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*Out of the blue, Koopa comes up to Princess, threatening to kidnap her, AGAIN*

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Koopa: Hey Peach, remember me? _*starts to have a huge evil grin on his face, stroked his red hair and started to swerve his toungue around his mouth*_

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Princess Peach: _*looking horrified*_ AAAAAAAAAAAH! HELP ME MARIO!

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*Mario hears her scream for help, so he dons his winged hat and starts to fly into the scene. However, his reaction seems different this time around*

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Mario: _*thinking to himself bitterly*_ Damn Peach! Can't she do ANYTHING herself? Geez! 

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*Mario flies in between Koopa and Peach and blows them apart from each other*

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Princess Peach: YAY! IT'S MARIO!

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Koopa: _*sighs* _Oh dear......

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*Mario looks disgruntled and starts to flip Koopa his middle finger*

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Princess Peach: You go Mario!

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*Mario then starts to un-button the rear of his over alls and moons everyone*

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Koopa: Ewwww, PLUMBER ASS!

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Princess Peach: Mario, that is sooooo UN-GENTLEMAN LIKE!

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Mario:_ *thinking to himself again*_ I don't care. Uh oh, I need to REALLY go BAD!

*_starts to pull out some TP* _

*Both Peach and Koopa look confused*

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Mario: _*singing Italian opera song "Fantasia" in a disgruntled sort of voice* _ E' serenata e nun è serenata, chesta è na fantasia che mm' è venuta...Dice che la mia bella sta malata e i' ca stó' buono, che ce pòzzo fá?!

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Koopa: _*slightly winces, but opens one eye to see the mad Mario*_ Eh. This does not look good.

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Mario: _*STILL singing Italian opera song "Fantasia" in a disgruntled sort of voice* _ Ah, ah... _*points at Koopa* _

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Both Koopa and Peach are very confused*

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Mario: Lo tengo sulo a me, i' voglio bene a me, e po' a nisciuno cchiù..._ *clasps his fists together and face turns bright pink* _Pecché nisciuno maje mm'ha fatto bene a me! _*face turns slightly magenta now*_

*Both Peach and Koopa look disgusted and kinda shocked at what business Mario was doing*

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Mario: E 'sta chitarra mia s'era addurmuta, e mo 'mpruvvisamente s'è scetata... _*face turns bright red, and clenches his teeth. Peach and Koopa look even more shocked* _Che voce 'e paraviso che mm'è asciuta cu nu bicchiere 'e vino, 'int'a ll'está! _*pauses*_

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Princess Peach: *_Thinking to herself* _ Oh dear......

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Koopa: *_Thinking to himself* _ Mario has really gotten too far here!

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Mario:_ *continues his finale as his face starts to lighten up*_ AHHHH, AHHHHH  
IO TENGO SULO A MEEEEEEEEE! _*face turns back to normal skin tone color*_

Ahhhh! What a relief! Well, see ya later guys!

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Princess Peach: Mario......_*Mario flies away. Peach notices something smelly and holds her nose*_

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Koopa: *_holds his nose in disgust*_ Look at the pile Mario left! GROSS!

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Princess Peach: I'll say! I think we need Luigi to install toilets in the mushroom kingdom!

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Koopa: _*sighs*_ UGH! NO......KIDDING.....!

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*Both Peach and Koopa feel light headed from Mario's "pile" and shatter into many pieces like broken glass*

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The End!  


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	5. Maka Maka- Worst RPG EVER! (7-24-2002)

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Video Game follies:

Maka Maka- Worst RPG EVER!

By Karasuhato, the "Raven Dove"

(karasuhato@ecmail.i-p.com)

***

All games copyright of previous owners. Don't take Serously!

NOTE: My Engrlish is not the greatest, so please take it easy ;_;

***

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Narator: It is the year 1991, a Japanese company by the name of "Sigma" is planning to come up with an RPG of the year to compete with other RPG making companies.

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Sigma Head Honcho: Okey folks, it is time to come up with a game that would be hip and cool for our generation! Something fresh and in your face, and something that will attract our generation of gamers. 

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Sigma Director: I know I know!!!

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Sigma Head Honcho: _*looking rather pleased*_ Okey, what is it?

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Sigma Director: We have hired an ultra-hip comedian! _*looks around in the room* _ULTRA-HIP COMEDIAN, GET OVER HERE!

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*some dorky Japanese Adam Sandler wannabe comes skipping happily through the room with a dorky grin on face*

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Ultra-Hip Comedian: Hey guys! I'm here to make this game possible!

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Sigma Head Honcho: *_appaudes*_ YAY! I know you'll make this game possible, but first, we need to think up of a title.

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Ultra-Hip Comedian: OKEY!

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*One hour later, the staff at Sigma co. ltd. "try hard" to think up of a title for this "Mystery RPG". A lightbulb appears over the comedian's head, showing that he had an idea! *

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Ultra-Hip Comedian: I GOT IT! I GOT IT! _*jumps up and raises his hand*_

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Producer at Sigma: What is the title?

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Ultra-Hip Comedian: It's called "Maka Maka"! World's funniest RPG! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

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*everyone in the room starts to laugh*

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Sigma Head-Honcho: *LOL* That sounds wonderful my friend!

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Producer at Sigma: Sounds wonderful!

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Sigma Director: Never would have thought of something better myself!

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Sigma Head-Honcho: Okey now, we need to buckel up on this game folks!

****

Everyone at Sigma: All right!

__

*The staff at Sigma started to put together some pointless segments together and passing it as "the plot". But that is not all, there is a grating "soundtrack", cliched "gameplay that delivers nothing new and other mesh-mash that would screw up a video game. Now it is 1992 and the "hard work" is over.*

****

Sigma Head-Honcho: _*looking eerily like Baron van Frankenstein* _Now, our "Maka Maka" game is done! It's done!

****

Ultra-Hip Comedian: Oh boy! I hope everyone loves my game, because everyone loves me as a comedian!

****

Producer at Sigma: Now, let us release the games!

****

Everyone at Sigma: Hip, hip HOORAH!

__

*Maka Maka is now out on the Asian video game market, being purchased by misfortunate gamers not know how half-assed the game was. Eventually, the Super Famicoms all over Asia hated "Maka Maka" too, since the "game" would always be glitched and act funny when in the system. *

****

Angry Gamer: _*looking really mad* _ What the fuck? This is NOT A GAME! IT'S TRASH! _*rips Maka Maka out of the SFC and starts to violently stomp up and down on the game and throwing it into the dumpster nearby*_

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Homasexual Gamer: Hey, that "woman" is really a gay man trying to get other men? And why is he wearing purses and jewelry and talk sissy like all of the time! This offends me greatly!!! *_grabs the game out of his system and starts to rpi apart the game*_

****

Casual Gamer: Oh my god, this "game"! It's horrible, so horrible. _*throws self onto the floor and cries*_

*This was not the last of it though. Millions of copies were being sold in the days of Super Famicom and most of them were being damaged. *

****

American gamer: Hmmmmm, I wonder how "Maka Maka" is, and I wonder why people here hate this game so much.

****

European gamer: I donno know chum, let us see!

****

American gamer: Oh, okey!

__

*As the American and European gamers went back to their westerner embassy in Japan to try the game out*

****

European gamer: Let us start the game up my friend!

__

*As both of the gamers get ready to play "Maka Maka", they start to feel a little un-easy*

****

European gamer: Ummmm, I don't like the looks of this game........

****

American gamer: I think this game has "Stink Burger" written all over it!

****

European gamer: Let us give it a chance first. It may get to be better later.

__

*Hours later, the Westerners started to get really bored and look like they were going to snap*

****

European gamer: OH LORD, THEY ARE REPEATING THE BLOODY GAGS OVER AGAIN! *_Puts head into hands and blushes*_

****

American gamer: Hello, plot, WHERE ARE YOU!? _*starts to knock on the television screen* _If this were an ACTUAL video game or RPG game, we would be at least entertained.

****

European gamer: Wow, this is a great game...............TO TAKE A DUMP ON!

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American gamer: No kidding! The hell with "Maka Maka"! _*takes game out of Spuer Famicom*_ Now, what should we do with this "game".

__

*Light bulb appears over European gamer's head*

****

European game: I have an idea! Follow me my friend! _*American gamer follows European gamer to the rest room. European gamer pulls out a Swiss army kife* _BYE BYE MAKA MAKA! 

__

*European gamer starts to chop up and dissect the game into many piece and flushes the remains down the toilet*

****

American gamer: HOORAY! _*applaudes*_

****

European gamer: Now, let us pretend the game never existed!

****

American gamer: Okey. Fine with me.

__

*Now, it's the year 1993, and things start to look grim for Sigma co. ltd.*

****

Sigma Head Honcho: _*drops his head* _Fellows, I have some bad news to deliver......-_-

****

Everyone at Sigma : What is it?

****

Sigma Head Honcho: *_shows everyone a game article*_ Our "Maka Maka" game bombed big time over the years!

****

Everyone at Sigma : OH NOOOOOOO!!! _*everyone starts to sob hard*_

****

Sigma Director: _*looking angry*_ Now where the hell is that "comedian" guy?

****

Sigma Head Honcho: Well, after finding out the game bombed, he decided not to work for us further on and decided to go back to Television and Movies.

__

*everyone starts to sigh*

****

Producer at Sigma: Now what are we going to do? How much Yen do we have left?

****

Sigma Head Honcho: OVER **¥** 5,845,125,500.89 went down the drain! We are finished!

****

Everyone at Sigma :NOOOOOOO!!! 

****

Narator:Many years have passed. Sigma went out of business in the gaming world and the Head-Honcho became a hapless door-to-door salesman (When people found out he planned the Maka Maka game, he got a swift punch in the face), the director now was a poultry farmer on Hokkaido, the producer a barkeep at a Chippendale bar and everyone else decided to become waiters and waitresses and forget the Horror, that was "Maka Maka", worst RPG ever.

As for the comedian, like we all said, went back to TV and Movies and denied Maka Maka's existance.

****

The End!

**** __ __ ****


	6. Chocobo no Fushigi Dungeon outtakes (7-2...

****

Video Game follies:

Scenes we'd love to see: 

Chocobo no Fushigi Dungeon

By Karasuhato, the "Raven Dove"

(karasuhato@ecmail.i-p.com)

***

All games copyright of previous owners. Don't take Serously!

NOTE: My Engrlish is not the greatest, so please take it easy ;_;

***

****

Narator: We all follow the adventures of Mog, Cid, Chocobo, Fat Chocobo, White Mage, Black Mage and many, many, many pointless cutesy characters that were more then likely thrown out of "Fraggel Rock" or some sort of Muppet show, who go around circles in dungeons, searching for treasure and looking cute.

****

Mog: _*frantically jumps up and down*_ Yay, yay, we go on adventures in dungeons and get treasure. Yah!!!

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Chocobo:_ *sits there and looks cute*_ Kweeeei!!!

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Cid: _*looks impatiently at Mog and Chocobo* _Okey everyone, mosey into the god damn cave and shut up already! Yeesh!

****

Mog: _*rolls eyes*_ Ugh, FINE!

**Narator:** Many days, many nights, Chocobo and Mog go through some dungeons, fight ghosts, goblins and monsters, get summons, meet a cute White Mage chic and meet more weirdo, goof-ball characters.

****

Black Mage: _*appears through foggy green smoke*_ Hello everyone, I am the Black Mage! I use black magick.

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White Mage: _*looking giddy and hyper*_ Hi, I am the cute white mage that heals and helps all of you cute critters. HEE HEE HEE HEE!

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Chocobo: Kwei, Kwei, Kwei....._*looks up the White Mage's dress, seeing if she wears anything under it* _ ........KWEI KWEI! WOO WOO!!!

__

*White mage notices what Chocobo was doing and kicks him down to the ground in rage*

****

White Mage: _*face red with madness*_ YOU PERVERTED LITTLE BIRD, DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!

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Chocobo: _*sobs* _Kwei.......Kwei.....

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Fat Chocobo: Awwww, this is so boring. When do we eat.

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White Mage: Be patient fat ass! Besides, you need to diet! Look how fat you are.

****

Fat Chocobo: _*butt bumps White Mage girl*_ I AM NOT! I am just plesantely plump. So there. ^^;

****

Black Mage: Shut up and explore more! I can't take the boredom!

****

White Mage, Fat Chocobo: Alright.

*After many hours of "exploration", the cute creatures get bored*

****

Chocobo: *yawns* Kweeeeeei.........*Z*

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White Mage: I am so beat!

****

Black Mage: I think I am forming corns on my feet. OUCH!

****

Fat Chocobo: I need to use pottie!

__

*Mog also starts to get bored*

****

Mog: Okey, let's go show Cid our cool treasure and mabye we could finaly rest.

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Everyone: OKey Dokey!

****

Narator: So every cutesy poo poo character goes back and shows Cid what treasure they have collected and how much "fun" they had, even though the gamer is fast asleep.

****

Cid: What do you got there Mog?

****

Mog: We got cool treasure and summons and armor and weapons and.....

__

*gets cut off by Cid noticing the White Mage chic*

****

Cid: Now who do we have here. Heh heh heh......!

****

White Mage: UGH! Get someone your own age old man!

****

Cid: _*eyes widden in disbelief at White Mage's aditude* _Woo hoo, I did not know healers could have an aditude! 

__

*Black Mage takes off her shoes*

****

Black Mage: Hey, do I have bunyons or corns on my feet yet?

****

Mog: _*rolls eyes again*_ NO, but even if you do, PLEASE SPARE US!

****

Black Mage: HMPH!

__

*Fat Chocobo starts to become irritable*

****

Fat Chocobo: Do you guys have sugar puffs, or rasberry jam Yam-Yam sticks or Banana puffs or something? 

****

Cid: I don't think so. Hmmmm.....been a while since I went shopping. Need to get more groceries.....

__

*Fat Chocobo looks really pissed at everybody and grunts loud. All gamers start to wake up*

****

Fat Chocobo: No sweets? NO SWEETS?! HOW DARE YOU FOOLS!

****

Cid: _*tries to shoo away Fattie Chocobo*_ Easy there....don't get excited....

****

Mog: Good fattie, good fattie.

****

Black Mage: Please! Don't eat us!

****

White Mage: Look like his veins are gonna pop!

****

Chocobo: _*looks freaked out* _ KWEI, KWEI, KWEI! AAAAAACK!!!!!!

__

*Fat Chocobo sports a wicked grin*

****

Fat Chocobo: Yeah, I've gone so long, no food! You guys look tasty! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

__

*Fat Chocobo heads down to Cid, mouth open*

****

Cid: Nooooooooooooo! Why gods, why?

__

*Fat Chocobo swallows Cid whole*

****

Fat Chocobo: Who is next?! HA HA HA!

****

Black Mage: No, I need more elixir, spare me!

****

White Mage: I am too sexy to become food.

****

Mog: Yeah, and I am too cute!

****

Chocobo: _*eyes widden in Horror*_ YAAAAAAAACK!

__

*Fat Chocobo approaches the whole other cast members*

****

Fat Chocobo: You are all too late! HA HA HA HA HAAA! You are all going to my stomach! 

****

Narator: The Fat Chocobo flies down on Chocobo, Mog, White Mage and Black Mage and devours all of them, one at a time, all struggled helplessly as they struggled the hungry wrath of the Fat Chocobo.

****

Fat Chocobo: Ahhhhhh, what a nice meal. _*suddenly feels gassy* _ BURRRRRRRRRP!!! *_Everyone's clothing flies out of his mouth*_

****

You, the gamer: YAY! IT WAS ABOUT TIME DAMN IT!

****

The End!

__


	7. Valkyrie Profile (8-01-2002)

****

Video Game follies:

Valkyrie Profile 

By Karasuhato, the "Raven Dove"

(karasuhato@ecmail.i-p.com)

***

All games copyright of previous owners. Don't take Serously!

NOTE: My Engrlish is not the greatest, so please take it easy ;_;

***

NOTE: This is based on Japanese version on "Valkyrie Profile", so names cou;ld be different.

****

Narator: Before the actual game starts, we go to scene of silver-blue haired girl named Platinum fetching some water for her family.

****

Platinum: Oh dear, must hurry. Don't want mother to scold me like every other day of my life! *_sighs*_ Oh well, what do I know besides chores and serving.

__

*Platinum tries to balance the buckets all the way until she was home. Mother comes out and talks to two Men in Black suits. 

****

Man #1: You sure you want to sell your daughter.

****

Mother: HELL YES! She causes nothing but trouble, just like most girls in the village. So that is why we sell girls here!

****

Man #2: Okey, very well. We will give you a load of money and food!

****

Mother: Thank you very much! Tomarrow, you may take that girl!

****

Both Men in Black: Very well then.

*Platinum trips over her undone shoe laces and "accidentally" splashed water on the men*

****

Platinum: *_blushes*_ Eh, sorry, them damn shoelaces. Your suits okay?

__

*The men leave. Mother comes up to Platinum and punches her across the face.*

****

Mother: Hey bitch, you blind or something?

****

Platinum: Eh, sorry. _*looks at the men*_ Mama, who were those people?

****

Mother: _*sighs angrily* _ Do you ever mind your own business? Anyways, tget to work AND QUIT SLACKING OFF!

****

Platinum: Y.......yes ma'am!

****

Mother: _*thinking to herself*_ Why didn't I get lucky and have miscarriage?

****

Narator: Late at night, as poor little Platinum tries to sleep, Rucio, a male friend of hers, come to rescue her. She feel reluctant, after mother tries to chase him away, but they both escape into the forest. Will they make it?

****

Rucio: Platinum, I keep telling you that your mother does NOT love you! Why do you miss her so damn much?

****

Platinum: Well......she could get worried about me. 

****

Rucio: _*starts to lose patience with her*_ LISTEN PLATINUM! YOUR MOTHER WAS GOING TO SELL YOU INTO SLAVERY! DOES THAT SOUND LOVING AND CARING?

****

Platinum: Duh, no.....

****

Rucio: Plus, because of those men your mother were making a deal with, they were the same ones that sold my sister to slavery, since one day, when they came, sister dissapeared.

****

Platinum: Oh, she must have been sick or something.

****

Rucio: _*face turns red in anger*_ Platinum, there are no diseases that make people dissapear. Didn't you know that.? Plus, we all live in town full of cheap white trash that do anything for a little penny or pence.

****

Platinum: Why are you doing this for me.

****

Rucio: Because Platinum, I care for you, I love you!

****

Platinum: Then, let's go, oh dearest hero!

__

*Now, we find them Rucio and Platinum in the field of Death Orchids. Platinum eventually finds out that Mom never loves her, feel depressed, gets high off death pollen and dies. Rucio screams, Yaddi Yaddi Yada!*

****

Narator: Now, to the actual game. We see a woman in a field full of flowers in world of God beings.

****

Valkyrie: Ahhhhh, what a nice day! _*starts to march to the Valhalla palace, feeling content with things* _La La La La La La La La La La...........

__

*As Valkyrie finally makes it to the palace, she is greeted by an annoying goddess, teenage in appearance*

****

Freya: Welcome to Valhalla!

__

*Valkyrie comes to her senses*

****

Valkyrie: Oh, hi Freya. Did not see you here! Did you miss me?

__

*both hug*

****

Freya: YESSSSS! 

****

Valkyrie: Okey Freya, I missed you too, but you don't see me shouting in your ears!

****

Freya: _*blushes* _ Heh heh, sorry. Well, Odin and Fray are waiting for you.

****

Valkyrie: _*rolls her eyes*_ Is it urgent?

****

Freya: Yes.

****

Valkyrie: Is that all you can say is "Yes"?

****

Freya: _ *laughs*_ Yes!

****

Valkyrie: _*thinking*_ Oh well, got to do what I have to do.

__

*Gates open. Valkyrie enters and greets Odin and Fray*

****

Odin: Thank you for coming Valkyrie! A war is going to break out all over the worlds, due to the Vanir acting up in Asgard.

****

Valkyrie: _*thinks to herself* _When don't they act up?

****

Fray: Just kneel Leneth!

*They tell her about what duties are needed to be done and give her armor*

****

Fray: Now, let us go to Midgard!

__

*Fray and Leneth fly down to Midgard and Fray decided to tell Leneth of her purpose*

****

Fray: Okey Leneth, your quest here is to collect the souls of the dead and dying here on Midgard. Release them from their flesh and blood cages and send them to Asgard to become divine heroes and defeat the Vanir! Okey?

****

Valkyrie: _*looking emotionless as usual*_ Yes Ma'am.

__

*Both Fray and Leneth fly up into the air and Fray teaches Leneth to use her powers to contact the dead, living dead and the dying*

****

Fray: Concentrate!

__

*Leneth starts to hear voices in her head, telling her that people are dying*

****

Valkyrie: What the......?

****

Fray: Those are the cries of the ones whom are near death.

****

Valkyrie: Figures enough.

****

Narator: So Leneth appears on land, meets up with a swordman with a huge sword and a demon, which is actually a princess named Jerad being possessed. So, Leneth kills the demon/princess , Jerad tells that Aryuse (the swordsman) is in great danger and wants Valkyrie to take his soul with her. Fray comes into the scene and congradulates Leneth.

****

Fray: Very good Leneth! Concentrate again, to eliminate the undead that haunts the dungeons and various places of the world.

__

*So, Leneth concentrates again and hears strange noise*

****

Valkyrie: Coming from the Altoria ruins over there!

****

Fray: Good, now that is what your quest is ALL ABOUT! We don't have all year, since Ragnarok, or end of the world is to come. So just collect the souls of the dying (or as we Aesir call them, Einheriyar), destroy the undead, so they may rest in peace and send your well trained Einheriyars and magick users to Valhalla !

****

Narator: So that is all what happens. Leneth Valkyrie collects souls of a bunch of Mages and Warriors with almost no re-deeming qualities, destroy the undead, hunt for treasure and sends her "best Einheriyars" to Asgard to fight the Vanir. If that was not enough, We get some sub plots about Leneth Valkyrie and Rucio here and there. 

__

*cuts back to the gamers playing "Valkyrie Profile"*

****

Gamer #1: That is all to this game! Yeesh! I want my life back!

****

Gamer #2: I know what you mean! All there is to this game is Angst, Angst and more ANGST! It is like nothing good ever happens in this game!

****

Gamer #1: I know, but I could just give a damn about just about everyone in this game. In fact "Valkyrie Profile" is as much fun as going to a funeral to a stranger you don't even know or care about.

__

*Gamer #2 reads that there are three ending to the game*

****

Gamer #2: WHAT?! There are three endings to game?

****

Gamer #1: AUGH! Screw this! Hey, we could just read some manga and forget this game was ever made!

****

Gamer #2: Okey, I fine with that!

****

The End!

__


	8. Bastardization of Parasite Eve (8-05-200...

****

Video Game follies:

Bastardization of "Parasite Eve" 

By Karasuhato, the "Raven Dove"

(karasuhato@ecmail.i-p.com)

***

All games copyright of previous owners. Don't take Serously!

NOTE: My Engrlish is not the greatest, so please take it easy ;_;

***

Original Japanese movie and novel plot: The theory of PARASITE EVE is that mitochondria are very much a species with their own intentions. And all those years since evolution spat out the first humans, they were waiting for the day when they could finally break free. This day is NOW, and their outbreak of the human bodies would surely mean the end of all human life on earth. It's up to one lonely and desperate Japanese scientist to stop them after his beloved wife was killed as it was long-term planned by the mitochondria.

****

Narator: Good movie and novel for those whom like their sci-fi movies with soft, erotic overtones (non-pornographic-wise!). Now, let us look at Square's version of "Parasite Eve". 

****

Squaresoft plot: It all began on December 24th, 1997. At Carnegie Hall, a massacre ensued, leaving only a lone New York police detective and a mysterious actress alive. For Aya Brea, the five days that followed were a nightmare from which only she could awaken the world. 

__

*We switch to the bloodstream of living beings, zooming in on a couple of cells.*

MITOCHONDRION #1: What a chore to make energy for our cells here, don't yuo boys agree?

****

MITOCHONDRION #2: Yea!

****

MITOCHONDRION #3: I am with you brother!

****

MITOCHONDRION #4: I have idea!

****

MITOCHONDRION #1, #2 and #3: What is it?

****

MITOCHONDRION #4: My idea is to defy scientific biology and we could mutate living beings into super beasts!

****

MITOCHONDRION #1: OH YES! You are brilliant!

__

*The Mitochondrion cackle and spread out all over the bodies of living things. We now cut to a Carnegei Hall sequence*

Mellisa Pierce: Mee Mee Mee Mee! _*starts to do vocal opera "singing"* _Ohhh.....oh oh oh...ho! Oh, oh ho ho ho oh ho......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!

__

*Loud screech makes everyone except Aya suffer from "Sponatnious Human Combustions* 

****

Aya: I shall shoot ya down whore!

****

Mellisa: Nyah nyah, come and catch me skank!

__

*Aya chases Eve around for a while, then Eve dissapears and the animal mutations begin*

Aya: Damn pests. I though New York had no major Rat problems, until now!

__

*Aya shoots at some rats and they all die, so she appears at some Police Station*

****

Aya: Here we are, more ammo! Since this is America and we have the right to bear arms, more ammo may help me allong the way!

*Aya Brea runs into Mellisa perched on Statue of Liberty. Mellisa turns into Eve, a freaky mutation woman with big claws and funky ass hairdo and they get into a bitch fight again. Melissa LOSES again and slaps many CGI scenes on Aya Brea to run away, as well as the gamers themselves*

****

Gamer: Yeesh, how many more cut sequences are there? *_shakes head in frustration*_

*More stuff happens. Aya gets re-inforcement from cops, more cops, a Japanese scientist and a little boy caught in the middle, figuring out a way to get rid of the Mitochondrion problem in New York, followed by yet more FMVS*

****

Aya: _*looking bored* _Okey Eve, come out wherever you are! You will meet your worst nightmare ever!

__

*Aya approaches what appears to be a gigantic Eve mutation, naked and knocked-up.

****

Eve: I shall breed a supreme race that shall take over the world! You may never stop me.

****

Aya: Damn right I will!

__

*So Aya shoots away at Eve, destroying her, but not her horribly deformed offspring, which after a long tedious battle, Aya destroys and saves NY after all*

****

Aya: _*entering back into the theatre* _Eh, something does not feel right here. _*her eyes glow. Game left open for another sequel*_

****

Gamer: Well, I guess I don't need to hold my breath for a Parasite Eve 2, which I KNOW that Square will definetly make _*sigh* _ I think I'll read novel again, to rid this pain!

****

The End!


	9. Dragon Quest 01 (8-05-2002)

****

Video Game follies:

Dragon Quest 01 

By Karasuhato, the "Raven Dove"

(karasuhato@ecmail.i-p.com)

***

All games copyright of previous owners. Don't take Serously!

NOTE: My Engrlish is not the greatest, so please take it easy ;_;

***

****

Narator: Once upon a time, in a far away land, a princess gets captured by the Lord of Dragons and threatens the world with his hoard of goofy tear-drop blobs, anthropomorphic wolves, rocs and many other crazy creatures. Enter the hero of the story, whom has no name, but who cares, he's just there, like everyone else.

****

Queen: Oh please save my daughter my hero!

****

King: Yes, I can't bear to see my little girl being in hands of the lord dragon and being tormented. Shall you help us?

****

Hero: *_nods head, since he can not talk*_

****

King and Queen: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! _*Hero gets smothered in hugs and kisses*_

****

Narator: And so, our brave little hero goes out into the world, to fight monsters, learn magick spells, to collect treasure, help the needy and keep this a secret between you and me, making love with the most sexy village women around! 

****

Hero: _*thinking to himself, since he is either mute or deaf, you decide* _Hmmmm, where was I again........_*lightbulb appears over his head*_ Oh yeah, must find the armor and sword of Eldrick, the sacred Dragon hunter!

****

Narator: So our hero heads back out into the world, learned more powerful spells, fights more monsters YET AGAIN *_sighs and yawns*_ and heads into Chadrock's castle to search for the belongings of Eldrick.

****

Hero: _*thinking* _One more fucking monster battle and I will snap! _*so a Wyvern comes into the scene and the hero really snaps, kicking monster ass and healing all his wounds in the process* _Mmmmm....must keep searching....*sigh*

__

*Hero heads outside the castle and starts to dig around in the quarries and finds something rather unique*

****

Hero: _*jumps in joy* *Holding up the armor he was looking for*_

****

Narator: The hero found Eldrick's armor, as well as the sword as he headed back into the palace. Now, he must be ready to fight the Lord of Dragons.

*Exhausted hero comes and approaches a gaunt man in funky looking black armor*

****

Dragon Lord: MWAHAH HA HA HA! I am your typical evil bad guy, the one and only DRAGON LORD! HA HAH HAH HAH HA!!! I captured the Light ball, engulfing the world into darkness and disease and captured the "Lovely" Princess Gwellin! You can't stop me!

****

Hero: _*thinking to himself in rage*_ LIKE HELL I CAN'T! _*uses spells and his sword against the Lord himself, however, the Lord does not get defeated and is rather angry*_

****

Dragon Lord: Okey asswipe! You will get it now!!! _ *turns into a hideous dragon with foul stinky breath*_

****

Hero: _*thinking*_ Don't worry Princess Gwellin, I'll save you!

__

**Narator:** And so the hero destroys Dragon Lord, restores light into the world, saves the Princess, return to her mother and father in their kingdom, get married, have descendants and live happily ever after.......

As for you, the gamer, your wish is for much improved sequels that shall follow this rather mundane game! And your wish comes true as well!

****

The End!

**** __


End file.
